1000 câu chuyện cười song ngữ Anh Việt

VUI HỌC TIẾNG ANH

English Funny Stories

1000 CÂU CHUYỆN CƯỜｉ＠ｓｏｎｇ＠ｎｇỮ

ANH - VIỆT

1

English Funny Stories

CHUY
N V CHNG

THE BUM …

A bum approaches a well dressed gentleman on the

street. "Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?"

The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not

going to spend in on liquor are you?"

"No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.

"You are not going to throw it away in some

crap game, are you?" asks the gentleman.

"No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum.

"You wouldn't waste the money at a golf

course for greens fees, would you?" asks the man.

"Never," says the bum, "I don't play golf."

The man asks the bum if he would like to

come home with him for a home cooked meal. The

bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the

man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of

him. "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she

sees a guy like me at your table?"

"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I

want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't

drink, gamble or play golf."

K N MÀY …

M
t gã n mày tin gn m
t quý ông n mt sang

trng trên  ng ph

. “Này, ông bn quý, ông có th

cho hai ô la  c không?” Ng i àn ông n mc

sang trng tr l i:” Bn s không tiêu tin vào r u

chè, phi không?”

“Không, tha ngài, tôi không u

ng r u,” gã n mày

cãi li.

“Bn s không qung nó vào nhng ván chơi tào lao,

phi không?” ng i àn ông th ng lu hi.

“ Không theo l

i ó. Tôi không chơi bài,” gã n mày

tr l i.

“ Bn s không tiêu hoang tin vào nhng khong

phí hõm ca m
t cu
c gôn, phi không?” ng i àn

ông hi.

“Không bao gi ,” tên n mày nói, “tôi không chơi

gôn.”

Ng i àn ông hi gã n mày có mu

n v nhà vi

ông ta n cơm nhà không. Gã n mày hm h ng

ý. Trong khi h ang i hng v nhà ng i àn

ông, gã n mày không thng  c tính tò mò. “V

ông s không ni gin khi bà y thy m
t gã nh tôi

ti bàn n ca ông à?”

“ Chc là có,” ng i àn ông nói, “nhng s áng

nh th. Tôi mu

n cô y thy iu gì xy ra cho m
t

gã không nhu nht, c bc hoc chơi gôn.”

HOW TO LIVE?

"Darling," said the young man to his new bride.

"Now that we are married, do you think you will be

able to live on my modest income?"

"Of course, dearest, no trouble," she answered. "But

what will you live on?"

LÀM SAO  SNG?

“Em yêu,” m
t ng i àn ông tr nói vi cô dâu

mi.”Vì rng chúng ta ci nhau, em có ngh em s

có th s

ng bng thu nhp khiêm t

n ca anh?”

“D nhiên, anh yêu, không sao c,” cô ta tr l i.

“Nhng anh s s

ng bng gì?”

THEY HAD NO PRIVACY

As a young married couple, a husband and a wife

lived in a cheap housing complex near the base

where he was working. Their chief complaint was

that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no

privacy. This was painfully obvious when one

morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was

downstairs on the telephone. She was interrupted by

the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor.

"Give this to your husband," he said thrusting

a roll of toilet paper into her hands. "He's been

yelling for it for 15 minutes!"

H KHÔNG CÓ CHÚT RIÊNG T

NÀO C

Khi là m
t cp v chng tr mi ci, ng i chng

và ng i v s

ng trong m
t khu nhà  liên h p r

tin gn cơ s ng i chng làm vi!c."iu áng phàn

nàn ch yu ca h là các b#c t ng mng nh giy

và h không có  c s$ kín áo."iu này l
ra hin

nhiên m
t cách áng bun vào m
t bui sáng ng i

chng  tng trên và ng i v  tng di ang gi

i!n thoi.Ng i v b% ct ngang bi ting chuông

c&a và i ra chào ng i hàng xóm.

“"a cái này cho chng cô,” ông ta nói và giúi m
t

cu
n giy v! sinh vào tay cô ta.”Anh y ã hét òi

nó 15 phút!”

A HUSBAND WHO NEVER FEELS ASHAMED

"I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife says

to her lazy husband who refuses to find a job. "My

father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food.

My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car.

I'm just so ashamed."

The husband rolls over on the couch. "And

you damn well should be," he agrees. "Those two

2

worthless brothers of yours ain't never give us a

cent!"

MT NG

I CHNG KHÔNG BAO GI

BIT XU H

“Em xu h v cách s

ng ca chúng ta,” m
t ng i

v tr nói vi ông chng l i – ng i t' ch

i i tìm

m
t vi!c làm.” Ba em tr tin thuê nhà. Má em mua

tt c  n.Ch% em mua qun áo chúng ta. Cô em

mua xe hơi cho chúng ta. Em quá xu h.”

Ng i chng ln tròn trên i vng. “Và em nên tip

t(c ch) trích na,” anh ta ng ý. “Hai ông anh vô

d(ng ca em không bao gi cho chúng ta m
t xu!”

THE NEIGHBORS CAN NOT SEE YOU

Having been married ten years and still living in an

apartment, the wife would often complain about

anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to

buy a "dream home".

Trying to placate her, the husband found a

new apartment, within their

budget.

However, after the first week, she began

complaining again.

"Joel," she said, "I don't like this place at all.

There are no curtains in the bathroom. The

neighbors can see me every time I take a bath."

"Don't worry." replied her husband. "If the

neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains."

HÀNG XÓM KHÔNG TH NHÌN THY EM



C

"ã ci nhau m i nm nhng v*n s

ng

trong m
t cn h
, ng i v th ng phàn nàn  th#

vì cô ta m!t mi v vi!c tit ki!m t#ng xu  mua

m
t “ngôi nhà mơ c”.

Vi c

gng an i v , ng i chng tìm m
t

cn h
mi h p túi tin ca h. Tuy vy, sau tun l+

u, ng i v li bt u phàn nàn.

“Joel,” cô ta nói, “em không thích nơi này tí

nào. Không có tm màn nào trong phòng tm. Hàng

xóm có th thy em khi em tm.”

“"'ng lo,” chng tr l i. Nu qu th$c hàng

xóm thy em, h s mua màn.”

WHERE’S THE SHOE?

One night a fellow drove his secretary home after

she had imbibed a little too much at an office

reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he

decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to

get jealous easily.

The next night the man and his wife were

driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down

and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the

passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he

waited until his wife was looking out her window

before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of

the car.

With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the

restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his

wife squirming around in her seat. "Honey," she

asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"

CHIC GIÀY ÂU RI ?

M
t bui t

i có m
t ng i àn ông lái xe ch cô th

ký v nhà sau khi cô ta u

ng hơi nhiu ti ba ti!c

chiêu ãi cơ quan. Mc dù ây là m
t hành vi vô t

nhng anh ta quyt %nh không nói cho v - ng i

hay ni ghen d+ dàng – nghe.

T

i hôm sau, ng i àn ông và v ánh xe n m
t

nhà hàng. Thình lình anh ta nhìn xu

ng và nhn ra

m
t chic giày cao gót ,n m
t n&a di gh khách.

Không mu

n b% chú ý, anh ta  i ti lúc v nhìn ra

c&a s trc khi anh ta anh ta ht chic giày lên và

qung khi xe.

Vi m
t hơi th nh nhõm, anh ta lái xe vào bãi u

xe. Chính lúc ó anh ta chú ý thy v loay hoay

quanh gh ngi. “Anh yêu,” cô ta hi, “ anh có thy

chic giày kia ca em không?”

DUMMY HUSBAND

A man asked his wife, "if you could have anything

in the world for one day, what would you want?"

"I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her

up bright and early and off they went to a local

theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in

the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the

Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five

hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her

head reeling and her stomach upside down. Off to a

McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered

her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing

chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie: the

latestHollywood blockbuster, hot dogs, popcorn,

Pepsi Cola and M & M's. What a fabulous

adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband

and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly

asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six

again?"

One eye opened. "You dummy, I meant my

dress size."

NG

I CHNG NG NGH
CH

3

M
t ng i àn ông hi v :”Nu em có th

 c mi th# trên th gii trong m
t ngày, em s

mu

n gì?”

“Em mu

n tr li nh hi sáu,” nàng áp.

Vào bui sáng sinh nht nàng, anh ta ánh

th#c nàng dy rt sm và h i n m
t công viên

ch 1 trong vùng. "úng là m
t ngày vui! Anh ta

t nàng lên mi th# trò chơi trong công viên:

" ng tr t Cht ng i, Vòng nhào l
n Kêu thét,

B#c tng S hãi, mi th#! Ht x,y! Nm ting sau

nàng lo o i ra khi công viên, u óc quay

cung và b(ng nh l
n xu

ng. H i vào m
t nhà

hàng McDonald, ng i chng gi m
t cái bánh kp

th%t ln thêm vi th%t ram và m
t ly sôcôla tr#ng

khuy.Sau ó h i ti m
t rp chiu phim: b
phim

thành công nht, mi nht Hollywood, hot dog, bp

n, Pepsi Cola. Qu là m
t cu
c chơi tuy!t v i!

Sau cùng nàng i long chong v nhà vi

chng và  s(p xu

ng gi ng. Anh ta ngã ng i và

hi m
t cách âu ym:” "y, em yêu, tr li nh hi

sáu tui thì nh th nào?”

Nàng m m
t mt:” Oi anh ng ngh!ch, ý

em mu

n nói c- áo s

sáu.”

A NEW MACHINE

The doctor asked the expectant father to try out a

machine he had invented that transferred labour

pains from the mother to the father. Billy agreed and

the machine was set up. But although it was set to its

highest setting, Billy felt not

a twinge.

Later that day he went home to pick up a few

items his wife wanted and discovered the milkman

lying on his door step groaning in pain.

CHIC MÁY MI

M
t bác s hi m
t ng i chng có v sp sinh rng

có mu

n th& chic máy ông ta mi sáng ch chuyn

cơn au  t' ng i m sang ng i cha không.Billy

ng ý và chic máy  c cài vào.Nhng mc dù

chic máy ã chy ht công sut Billy c.ng không

thy au n gì c.

Sau ó anh ta v nhà  ly vài th# v yêu

cu và thy ng i a sa ang nm trc c&a rên r)

au n.

DRUNK

Bob visited his friend Joe's house and was amazed at

how well Joe treated his wife. He told her several

times how attractive she was, complimented her on

her culinary skills and showered her with hugs and

kisses.

"Gee," Bob remarked to his friend, "you

really make a big fuss over your wife."

"I started to appreciate her more about six

months ago," Joe said. "It has revived our marriage,

and we couldn't be happier."

Inspired by Joe's story, Bob hurried home,

hugged his wife, told her how much he loved her,

and said he wanted to hear all about her day. Instead

she burst into tears.

"Darling," Bob said, "whatever's the matter?"

"This has been the worst day I've had for a

long time," she replied. "This morning Billy fell off

his bike and hurt his ankle, then the washing

machine broke down. Now, to top it off, you come

home drunk!"

SAY

Bob n thm nhà Joe và kinh ngc trc l

i 

i x&

t

t ca bn 

i vi v .Anh ta nói vi v n my ln

là nàng hp d*n ra sao, ca t(ng tài nu n khéo léo

ca nàng và ôm hôn v nh ma.

“A,” Bob lu ý bn,”anh quan trng hóa v

anh lên y.”

“Tôi bt u ánh giá nàng cao hơn t'

khong sáu tháng nay,” Joe nói.”"iu ó làm s

ng

li hôn nhân ca chúng tôi, và chúng tôi hnh phúc

n 
không th hnh phúc hơn  c na.”

Lây cm h#ng ca bn, Bob v
i vã v nhà,

ôm v , nói cho nàng nghe là anh yêu nàng bit bao

nhiêu, và nói anh mu

n nghe m
t ngày nàng làm

vi!c ra sao.Thay vào ó nàng b/ng òa khóc.

”Em yêu,” Bob nói, “Vi!c gì xy ra vi em vy?”

“ "ây là ngày ti t! nht ca em lâu nay,”

nàng áp.” Sáng nay Billy té xe p và b% au mt

cá, sau ó máy git b% h.Bây gi , thêm vào ó, anh

li say x)n v nhà!”

HOW TO BUY A PRESENT?

A man walked into a department store and told an

assistant he'd like to buy a present for his wife.

"Certainly, sir," replied the assistant.

"Perhaps a dress or a blouse?"

"Anything," said the man.

"And in what colour?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Size?"

"Immaterial."

Seeing the assistant's confusion, the man

explained that whenever he bought his wife

something she would always take it back to the shop

and exchange it.

"Why don't you get a gift voucher instead?"

the assistant asked him.

4

"Oh no," said the man. "That would be too

impersonal."

LÀM TH NÀO  MUA MT MÓN QUÀ?

M
t ng i àn ông i vào m
t gian c&a hàng

và nói vi ng i bán hàng ông ta mu

n mua m
t

món quà cho v .

“" c, tha ông,” ng i bán hàng áp. “Có

l m
t cái áo m hay m
t cái áo cánh  c chng?”

“Gì c.ng  c,” ng i àn ông nói.

“Còn màu?”

“Không quan trng.”

“C-?”

“Chuy!n nh.”

Thy s$ lúng túng ca ng i bán hàng,

ng i àn ông gii thích rng m/i khi ông ta mua

cho v cái gì ó thì bà ta luôn em nó tr li shop và

i.

“Ti sao ông không mua m
t phiu ã tr

tin thay vào ó?” ng i bán hàng hi.

“0 không,” ng i àn ông nói. “Nh th thì

quá vô tình.”

RELATIVES ?

A couple drove several miles down a country road,

not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and

neither wanted to concede their position. As they

passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife

sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."

BÀ CON ?

M
t cp v chng lái xe i vài dm xu

ng m
t con

 ng ng quê, không nói m
t l i.M
t cu
c tranh

lun trc ó ã gây ra m
t cu
c tranh cãi, và không

ng i nào mu

n nhn quan im ca mình

thua.Trong khi h i qua sân nuôi la và heo, ng i

v hi m
t cách ch nho: “Bà con ca ông phi

không ?”

“"úng,” ng i chng tr l i, “ Bên phía v .”

YOUR HORSE CALLED LAST NIGHT

A woman came up behind her husband while he was

enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the

back of the head. "I found a piece of paper in your

trouser pocket with the name Marylou written on it,"

she said, furious. "You'd better have an

explanation."

"Calm down, dear," the man replied.

"Remember last week when I was at the races? That

was the name of the horse I backed."

The next morning, his wife whacked him

again. "What was that for?" he groaned.

"Your horse called last night," she said.

CON NGA ÔNG G I TI QUA

M
t bà v i n phía sau chng và v/ vào sau u

ông ta trong khi ông ta ang u

ng cà phê sáng.”Tôi

tìm thy m
t mnh giy trong qun ông có cái tên

Mary,” bà ta nói m
t cách gin d.”Ông nên gii

thích.”

“Bình t nh nào, em yêu,” ông ta gii thích.”

Em có nh tun qua anh xem ua ng$a không? "ó

là tên con ng$c anh ánh cu
c.”

Sáng hôm sau, bà v li phát mnh ông ta

m
t cái.”Ti sao em làm th?” ông ta rên r).

”Con ng$a ca ông gi tôí qua,” bà ta nói.

WE’VE SAVED ENOUGH MONEY

After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told

his wife the good news: "Darling, we've finally

saved enough to buy what we started saving for in

1979."

"You mean a brand new Jaguar?" she asked

eagerly.

"No," he replied, "a 1979 Jaguar."

CHÚNG TA Ã TIT KI
M  TIN

Sau nhiu nm keo ki!t và tit ki!m, chng báo vi

v m
t tin m'ng:”Em yêu, cu

i cùng chúng ta ã

tit ki!m  tin  mua cái mà chúng ta bt u 

dành trong nm 1979.”

“Ý anh mu

n nói m
t chic Jaguar mi phi

không ?” ng i v hn h.

“Không,” ng i chng tr l i, “m
t chic

Jaguar  i 1979.”

DEATHBED CONFESSION

Jake was on his deathbed. His wife, Susan, was

maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile

hand, and tears ran down her face. Her praying

roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his

pale lips began to move slightly.

"My darling Susan," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Don't talk."

He was insistent. "Susan," he said in his tired

voice. "I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the

weeping Susan. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept

with your sister, your best friend, and your mother."

"I know," she replied. "That's why I poisoned

you."

THÚ TI LÚC LÂM CHUNG

5

Jake ang lúc lâm chung. V anh, Susan, ang th#c

gic bên cnh anh ta.Ch% ang cm bàn tay yu t

ca anh, và nc mt chy xu

ng mt ch%. L i cu

nguy!n ca ch% ánh th#c anh khi gic ng. Anh

nhìn lên và ôi môi nh t nht ca anh bt u hơi

nhúc nhích.

“Susan yêu quý ca anh,” anh ta thì thm.

“Im i, anh yêu,” ch% ta nói. “Hãy ngh) ngơi. "'ng

nói.”

Anh ta v*n c

tip t(c. “Susan,” anh ta nói vi ging

m!t mi. “Anh có iu phi thú nhn vi em.”

“Không có gì phi thú nhn c,” Susan khóc lóc tr

l i. “Mi vi!c u n c, hãy ng i.”

“Không, không.Anh phi cht trong thanh thn,

Susan. Anh ã ng vi em gái em, bn thân em và

m em.”

“Em bit,” ch% ta tr l i. “"iu ó ti sao em

u 
c anh.”

AFTER THE HONEY MOON

A young couple got married and left on their

honeymoon. When they got back, the bride

immediately called her mother.

"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the

mother.

"Oh mamma!" she exclaimed. "The

honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!" No

sooner had she spoken the words then she burst out

crying. "But mamma . . . as soon as we returned,

Sam started using the most horrible language. He's

been saying things I've never heard before! All these

awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and

take me home... "

"Now Sarah . . ." her mother answered. "Calm

down! Tell me,what could be so awful? What 4-

letter words has he been using?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mamma." wept

the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too

awful! You've got to come get me and take me

home... please mamma!"

"Darling, you must tell me what has you so

upset . . . Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter

words!"

Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mamma

. . . words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!"

SAU TUN TRNG MT

M
t cp trai gái tr ci nhau và i hng tun

trng mt. Khi h quay li, ngay lp t#c cô dâu gi

i!n thoi cho m.

“Nào, tun trng mt ra sao? “ ng i m hi.

“0, m !” cô ta la lên. “Tun trng mt thì tuy!t!

Rt lãng mn!” Chng my ch

c sau khi nói ra cô ta

òa khóc. “Nhng m  … v'a khi t(i con quay v,

Sam bt u dùng ngôn ng kinh khip nht. Anh y

ã nói nhng th# con cha bao gi nghe trc ây!

Tt c u là nhng t' b

n ch cái1 áng s ! M

phi n ón con và a con v nhà … “

“Nào Sarah …” m cô ta tr l i. “Bình t nh nào! Nói

cho m nghe, cái gì mà quá áng s vy? Nhng t'

b

n ch cái nào mà anh ta ã s& d(ng?”

“"'ng bt con k cho m nghe, m .” ng i con

gái khóc. “Con ang tht b

i r

i! Nhng ch ó quá

d+ s ! M phi n ón con và a con v nhà …

nghe m!”

“Con yêu, con phi nói cho m nghe cái gì làm con

quá b

i r

i nh vy … Hãy nói cho m nghe nhng

t' b

n ch cái kinh khip này!”

V*n còn thn th#c, cô dâu tr l i, “0, m … nhng

t' nh rác, git, i, và nu nng!”

I HAVE TO SHOW HER …

Everybody's heard of the Air Force's ultra-high￾security,super-secret base in Nevada, known simply

as "Area 51?"

Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at

Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing

at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded

the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation

room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from

Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was

about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full

FBI background check on the pilot and held him

overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced

that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They

gassed up his air-plane, gave him a terrifying "you￾did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats

of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him

Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading,

and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air

Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once

again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time

there were two people inside.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do

anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane

and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

TÔI PHI CH RA CHO CÔ Y

Có ai ã nghe v cn c# c$c k1 an ninh, siêu bí mt

ca không l$c (M2)  Nevada,  c bit di tên

gi ơn gin “Vùng 51?”

Vào m
t bui chiu mu
n, ng i không l$c  Vùng

51 rt ngc nhiên thy m
t chic Cessna h cánh ti

6

cn c# “bí mt” ca h. H lp t#c nh

t chic máy

bay và lôi phi công vào phòng th,m vn.

Câu chuy!n ca viên phi công là anh ta ct cánh t'

Vegas, b% lc và phát hi!n ra cn c# ngay khi anh ta

sp ht nhiên li!u. Không l$c bt u m
t cu
c kim

tra thông tin cn thit ca FBI v viên phi công và

gi anh ta qua êm trong su

t cu
c phng vn.

Vào ngày hôm sau, cu

i cùng h tin rng viên phi

công lc th$c s$ và không phi là m
t gián i!p. H

cung cp nhiên li!u cho chic máy bay, a cho anh

ta m
t ch) d*n áng s “anh ã không thy m
t cn

c#”, cùng vi nhng l i e da anh ta s  tù su

t

quãng  i còn li, nói vi anh ta Vegas có  ng

bay nh th, nh th, và ti+n anh ta lên  ng.

Ngày hôm sau, trong s$ bt ng không th tin  c

ca không l$c, c.ng chic Cessna ó xut hi!n tr

li. M
t ln na, quân cnh bao quanh chic máy

bay … nhng ln này có hai ng i bên trong.

C.ng viên phi công ó nhy ra và nói:”Các ông làm

gì tôi c.ng  c, nhng v tôi ang  trên máy bay

và các ông phi nói vi cô y t

i qua tôi  âu!”

I JUST HAD A DREAM ABOUT IT …

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After

she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed

that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's

day. What do

you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a

small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she

opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning

of dreams".

EM CÓ MT GIC MƠ V IU Ó …

M
t ph( n tr ng tra. Sau khi cô th#c

dy, cô nói vi chng:”Em ã mơ úng rng anh

tng em m
t chu/i ht ngc trai trong ngày

Valentine. Anh ngh nó có ý ngh a gì?

“T

i nay em s bit.” anh ta nói.

Chiu t

i hôm ó, ng i àn ông i v nhà

vi m
t gói nh và tng v . Ng i v vui m'ng m

nó ra – ch)  thy m
t cu

n sách t$a “Ý ngh a ca

nhng gic mơ.”

DON’T MESS WITH THE MAID

A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her

French maid.After a long list of stinging remarks

about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper,

she dismissed the maid.

The maid, with her Gaelic ancestry, couldn't

allow such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband

considers me a better housekeeper and cook than

you, Madam. He has told me himself."

The rich woman just swallowed and said

nothing. "And furthermore," the angry girl

continued, "I am better in bed than you!"

"And I suppose my husband told you that,

too?"

"No, Madam," said he maid. "Not your

husband, the mail man!"

NG LN XN VI NG

I GIÚP VI
C

NHÀ

M
t quý bà  Beverly Hills ni gin cô giúp vi!c

ng i Pháp. Sau m
t bn danh sách dài nhng nhn

xét khó ch%u v nhng l/i ca cô ta khi nu n và

qun gia, bà ui cô giúp vi!c.

Ng i giúp vi!c, vi dòng máu Celte, không th

chp nhn m
t s$ lng m nh vy  ra i không có

câu tr l i. “Chng bà xem tôi là m
t ng i qun gia

và nu n t

t hơn bà, tha bà.Chính ông ã nói vi

tôi.”

Ng i àn bà giàu có ch) nín nh%n và không nói gì.

“Và hơn na,” cô gái gin d tip t(c, “ trên

gi' ng tôi gii hơn bà !”

“Và tôi cho rng chng tôi c.ng nói vi cô iu

ó?”

“Không, tha bà,” ng i giúp vi!c nói. “Không phi

chng bà, ông a th !”

FRIEND FOR DINNER

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a

friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess,

I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and

I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for

supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about

getting married."

BN N TI

“Em yêu,” chng nói vi v , “Anh ã m i

m
t ng i bn n nhà ta n t

i.”

“Cái gì?Anh có iên không? Nhà c&a thì l
n

x
n, em thì cha i ch , chén  a thì dơ, và em

không mu

n nu m
t ba n k1 khôi !”

“Anh bit ht ri.”

“Vy ti sao anh m i bn n t

i?”

“Vì thng ng

t
i nghi!p ang ngh n vi!c

ci v .”

THE SECRET

7

Jill complained to Nina, "Rosey told me that you

told her the secret I told you not to tell her."

"Well," replied Nina in a hurt tone, "I told

her not to tell you I told her."

"Oh dear!" sighed Jill. "Well, don't tell her I

told you that she told me."

IU BÍ MT

Jill than phin vi Nina:”Rosey nói vi anh

rng em nói vi cô ta iu bí mt anh ã nói vi em

'ng nói vi cô ta.”

“À,” Nina tr l i vi ging t$ ái:” Em ã nói

vi cô ta 'ng nói vi anh em ã nói vi cô ta.”

“Ôi tr i!” Jill th dài. “Thôi, 'ng nói vi cô

ta anh ã nói vi em rng cô ta nói vi anh.”

THE STATUE

A woman was in bed with her lover when

she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She

quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she

dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I

tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a

statue."

"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as

he entered the room.

"Oh, its just a statue," she replied

nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their

bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even

later that night when they went to sleep. Around two

in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to

the kitchen and returned a while later with a

sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the

'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the

Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so

much as a glass of water.

BC T

NG

M
t ph( n ang nm trên gi ng vi ng i

tình thì cô ta nghe ng'ơi chng m c&a trc.

“Nhanh lên!” cô ta nói. “"#ng trong góc

nhà.” Cô ta nhanh chóng xoa du tr em lên khp

ng i anh ta và sau ó rc b
t talc lên ng i anh ta.

“"'ng c& 
ng cho n khi nào em bo anh,” cô ta

thì thm. “Hãy tng t ng anh là m
t b#c t ng.”

“"ây là cái gì vy em yên?” ng i chng hi

khi bc vào phòng.

“0, ó ch) là m
t b#c t ng,” cô ta tr l i

m
t cách th ơ. “Gia ình Smiths mua m
t cái t

trong phòng ng ca h. Em rt thích, em c.ng mua

m
t cái cho nhà ta.”

Không ai nói gì v b#c t ng na, thm chí

c khuya hôm ó lúc h i ng. Vào khong hai gi

sáng, ng i chng th#c dy, i vào nhà bp và quay

li m
t lúc sau vi m
t cái bánh sandwich và m
t ly

sa. “"ây,” anh ta nói vi “b#c t ng” , “n cái gì

i ch#. Tôi #ng nh m
t thng ng

c  nhà Smith

trong 3 ngày và không ai a cho tôi ngay n c

m
t ly nc.

WISDOM TEETH

One day a man walks into a dentist's office and asks

how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says.

"Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an

anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $60."

"That's still too expensive," the man says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on

anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of

pliers, I could get away with charging $20."

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head.

"If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I

suppose I could charge you just $10."

"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife

for next Tuesday !"

RNG KHÔN

M
t ngày kia, m
t ng i àn ông bc vào m
t

phòng nha s và hi giá nh rng khôn là bao nhiêu.

“Tám mơi ô la,” nha s nói.

“"ó là m
t con s

l lùng,” ng i àn ông nói. “Có

cách nào r hơn không?”

“0,” nha s nói, “nu ông không dùng thu

c tê, tôi

có th h giá xu

ng còn 60 ô la.”

“Nh vy v*n còn quá t,” ng i àn ông nói.

“" c ri,” nha s nói. “Nu tôi tit ki!m thu

c tê và

ch) lôi tot rng ra vi m
t cái km thì tôi có

th tính giá 20 ô la.”

“Không,” ng i àn ông rên r), “nh vy v*n còn

quá nhiu.”

“H'm,” nha s gãi u nói. Nu tôi  m
t trong

nhng sinh viên ca tôi làm  thêm kinh nghi!m thì

tôi cho là tôi có th tính giá ch) 10 ô la.”

“Tuy!t,” ng i àn ông nói, “t trc cho v tôi

vào th# Ba ti !”

HOW DID YOU DIE ?

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike

up a conversation. The first man asks the second.

"So, how'd you die?"

"I froze to death," says the second.

8

"That's awful," says the first man. "How does

it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the

second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains

in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a

very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of

drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how

did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man.

"You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so

one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up

to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran

down to the basement, but no one was hiding there,

either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was

hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the

attic,

and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack

and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so

ironic," he says.

"What do you mean?" Asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the

freezer, we'd both still be alive."

ÔNG CHT NH

TH NÀO ?

Hai ng i àn ông  i  cng ngc bt u

m
t cu
c nói chuy!n. Ng i th# nht hi ng i th#

hai: “Sao ông cht vy?”

“Tôi b% óng bng n cht,” ng i th# hai

nói.

“Tht khng khip,” ng i th# nht nói.

“Ông cm thy ra sao khi b% óng bng ti cht?”

“Trc ht ông cm thy rt khó ch%u”,

ng i th# hai nói. “Ông b% run, và ông cm thy au

 tt c các ngón tay và chân. Nhng cu

i cùng s

cm thy rt êm m  ra i.

Ông b% tê cóng và ông cm thy kiu nh trôi i,

nh th ông ang ng. Còn ông thì sao, ông cht

nh th nào?”

“Tôi b% au tim,” ng i àn ông th# nht nói.

“Ông coi, tôi bit v tôi ang l'a d

i tôi, vì vy m
t

ngày kia tôi xut hi!n bt ng  nhà. Tôi chy lên

phòng ng, và thy cô ta m
t mình ang an . Tôi

chy xu

ng tng hm nhng c.ng không ai np 

ó. Tôi chy lên tng hai, nhng c.ng không ai núp

 ó. Tôi chy ht s#c tôi lên gác mái, nhng khi tôi

v'a n ó thì tôi b% m
t cơn au tim nng và cht.”

Ng i àn ông th# hai lc u. “Tht quá

m)a mai,” ông ta nói.

“Ông mu

n nói gì?” ng i àn ông th# nht

hi.

“Nu ông ch) vi!c d'ng li  nhìn vô máy

p lnh thì hai ta hn ã còn s

ng.”

WHY MY MOM LEARNT TO PLAY

CLARINET?

My parents recently retired. Mom always wanted to

learn to play the piano, so dad bought her a piano for

her birthday.A few weeks later, I asked how she was

doing with it.

"Oh, we returned the piano." said My Dad, "I

persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead."

"How come?" I asked.

"Because," he answered, "with a clarinet, she

can't sing."

TI SAO M TÔI H C CHƠI CLARINET?

Ba m tôi gn ây ngh) hu. M tôi luôn mu

n hc

chơi piano, vì vy ba tôi mua cho bà m
t cái trong

ngày sinh nht. M
t vài tun sau, tôi hi bà chơi àn

nh th nào.

“0, ba m tr li cây àn piano.” Ba nói, “ba thuyt

ph(c m thay vào ó chuyn sang chơi clarinet.”

“Sao vy?” tôi hi.

“Vì,” ông tr l i, “vi m
t cây clarinet, m không

th hát.”

PREGNANT

Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy,

the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any

regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty

easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while

now...

Just before lying down on the bed, she

glances at him and sees the poor guy curls up on the

floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled

with hopeless desire...

Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the

top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill,

and gives it to him, "Awww, my honey is so

depressed... here, take this and go to the woman next

door, she will let you sleep with her tonight... and

remember that this happens only once... ok?... don't

think about it again."

The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but

afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the

money and leaves quickly. A few minutes later, he

returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says with

much disappointment,

"She said this is not enough, she wants sixty."

The wife's face slowly turns red with anger,

"Damn that bitch... when she was pregnant and her

husband came over here... I only charged him

fifty..."

CÓ BU

9

Vì v mang bu tháng th# tám nên ng i chng phi

ng trên nn nhà  tránh bt c# sai sót áng tic

nào v

n khá d+ xy ra, vì anh ta ã t'ng liu l nh

trong m
t lúc cho n lúc y...

Ngay trc khi nm xu

ng gi ng, ng i v lic

nhìn chng và thy anh chàng t
i nghi!p co mình

trên sàn nhà, mt m to tr'ng tr'ng vào khong

không y ham mu

n tuy!t vng...

Cm thy t
i nghi!p cho chng, v m ngn kéo

trên cùng ca t, ly ra m
t t giy bc nm mơi

ô la và a cho anh ta,” 3, cng ca em quá bun

... ây, cm cái này và i ti cô k bên nhà, cô ta s

cho anh ng vi cô ta êm nay ... và nh rng vi!c

này ch) xy ra m
t ln thôi ...  c ch#? ... 'ng

ngh ti iu ó ln na nhé.”

Ng i chng tròn mt trong s$ hoài nghi, nhng s

rng v có th thay i ý kin, anh ta cm tin và

nhanh chóng r i i. M
t vài phút sau, anh ta quay

li, a t bc li cho v và nói vi nhiu tht vng:

“Cô ta nói nh vy thì không , cô ta mu

n sáu

ch(c.”

Khuôn mt ng i v dn dn b'ng  vì gin, “Con

chó cái áng nguyn ra ... khi nó có bu và chng

nó i qua ây ... tao ch) òi chng nó có nm

ch(c...”

MILLIONAIRE

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who

made my husband a millionaire."

"And what was he before you married him?"

asked the friend.

The woman replied, "A billionaire..."

TRI
U PHÚ

M
t ph( n nói vi bn:”Chính tôi là ng i

làm chng tôi thành m
t tri!u phú.”

“Và ông là gì trc khi bn ci ông?”

ng i bn hi.

Ng i ph( n áp:”M
t t) phú...”

MALE LOGIC

A man and his wife are in court getting a

divorce.

The problem was who should get custody of

the child.

The wife jumped up and said, "Your Honor.

I brought the child into this world with pain and

labor. She should be in my custody."

The judge turns to the husband and says,

"What do you have to say in your defense?"

The man sat for a while contemplating...then

slowly rose.

"Your Honor, if I put a dollar in a vending

machine and a Pepsi comes out...whose Pepsi is

it...the machine's or mine?"

LOGIC ÀN ÔNG

M
t ng i àn ông và v anh ta ang  trong

tòa án ly d%.

Vn  là ai s giám h
#a tr.

Ng i v nhy lên và nói:”Tha quý ngài,

tôi ã a #a tr vào th gii này trong c$c nhc và

cơn au .Nó úng ra phi  trong s$ giám h
ca

tôi.”

Quan tòa quay qua ng i chng và nói:”Ông

phi nói gì  bi!n h
?”

Ng i àn ông ngi xu

ng trm ngâm m
t

hi ... sau ó t' t' #ng dy.

“Tha quý ngài, nu tôi t m
t ô la vào

máy bán hàng và m
t lon Pepsi i ra ... lon Pepsi là

ca ai ... ca máy hay ca tôi?”

MEDICAL MIRACLE

An 80 year woman married an 85-year-old man.

After about six months together, the woman wasn't

feeling well and she went to her doctor.

The doctor examined and said,

"Congratulations Mrs. Jones, you're going to be a

mother."

"Get serious doctor, I'm 80."

"I know," said the doctor, "This morning, I

would have said it was impossible, but this

afternoon you are a medical miracle."

"I'll be darned," she replied and stormed out of

the office. She walked down the hall and around the

corner to where the telephones were. In a rage, she

dialed her husband.

"Hello," she heard in his familiar halting

voice.

She screamed, "You rotten SOB. You got me

pregnant!"

There was a pause on the line. Finally, her

husband answered, "Who's calling please?"

PHÉP L Y H C

M
t bà lão 80 tui ci m
t ông lão 85 tui. Sau sáu

tháng chung s

ng, bà lão cm tháy không khe và bà

i bác s .

Bác s khám và nói:”Xin chúc m'ng, bác Jones, bác

s là m
t bà m.”

“Hãy nghiêm túc, bác s , tôi 80 tui.

“Cháu bit,” bác s nói,”sáng nay, cháu hn s nói

iu này bt kh, nhng chiu nay bác là m
t phép

l y hc.”

10

“Tôi s b% nguyn ra,” bà lão tr l i và i x
c ra

khi phòng mch. Bà i xu

ng hành lang và quanh

góc nhà nơi  i!n thoi. Trong m
t cơn gin, bà

quay s

gi chng.

“Hello,” bà nghe ging ngp ng'ng quen thu
c ca

ông.

Bà la lên:”Ông CHÓ "4 i bi. Ông ã làm tôi

mang thai.

Trên  ng dây ngng li m
t tí. Cu

i cùng, chng

bà tr l i:”Xin vui lòng cho bit ai ang gi?”

SPEEDING...

A Guy and his wife are driving a car along a twisty

road with a 55MPH limit. Cop pulls the guy over.

"Had you going about 70 in 55 back there,"

says the cop.

"Not me," says the guy, "Could be your radar

picked up someone else or something, but my

speedometer was set right on 55."

Wife pipes up, "You were to going 70. I've

told you 20 mile back you were going to get stopped

if you didn't slow down."

"Shut up would ya!" mumbles the guy.

"Can I see your proof of insurance?" asks the

cop.

"Sure, my card is right here in my wallet."

Wife says, "That card's no good and you know

it. You haven't paid the last premium and the

company sent you a cancellation notice."

"Damn," yells the guy. "Would you shut the

hell up for once"

"Ma'am," says the cop, "Does this guy always

talk to you like this?"

"Only when he's been drinking."

CHY QUÁ TC ...

M
t gã àn ông và v ang lái m
t chic xe hơi trên

con  ng trên con  ng khúc khu5u có gii hn

t

c 
55 dm/gi . Cnh sát l!nh cho anh ta d'ng

vào v!  ng.

“Ông ã chy khong 70 trong gii hn 55 phía sau

kia,” cnh sát nói.

“Không phi tôi,” gã nói, “có th radar các ông quét

ai ó khác hoc vt gì ó, nhng công tơ mét ca tôi

ch) úng 55.”

Ng i v nói to lên:”anh chy 70. Em ã nói anh

gim 20 dm anh s b% d'ng nu anh không chy

chm xu

ng.”

“Câm m bà li!” gã lm bm.

“Tôi có th xem giy t bo him không?” cnh sát

hi.

“" c, th ca tôi  ngay trong bóp tôi.”

V nói:”Th ó không thích h p và anh bit vy.

Anh cha tr tin phí bo him v'a ri và công ty ã

g&i anh m
t thông báo hy b.”

“M kip,” gã thét lên. “Bà có ch%u câm cái mõm

chó cht ca bà m
t ln không.”

“Tha bà,” cnh sát nói, “ông này có luôn nói vi bà

nh th này không?”

“Ch) khi ông y ã u

ng r u.”

ROMANCE

An older couple was lying in bed one night.

The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt

romantic and wanted to talk. She said, "You use to

hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a

second, then tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said, "Then you used

to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave

her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used

to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed

covers and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

LÃNG MN

M
t t

i kia, m
t cp v chng có tui ang

nm trên gi ng. Ng i chng rơi vào gic ng

nhng ng i v cm thy tình cm dâng trong lòng

và mu

n nói chuy!n. Bà nói:”Anh th ng cm tay

em khi chúng ta yêu nhau.”

M
t cách m!t mi, ông vơn ngang tay, cm

tay bà trong m
t giây, sau ó c

quay li gic ng.

M
t lát sau bà nói:”Sau ó anh th ng hôn

em.” Hơi b$c dc, ông vơn ng i qua, hôn v
i m
t

cái trên má và nm xu

ng ng.

Ba mơi giây sau, bà nói:”Sau ó anh

th ng cn c em.” "iên tit, ông qung tm tri

gi ng và nhy ra khi gi ng.

“Anh i âu?” bà hi.

“Ly hàm rng!”

FORGET IT

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his

friend Doug.

"Why not add some intrigue to your life and

have an affair?" Doug suggested.

"But what if my wife finds out?"

"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go

ahead and tell her about it!"

So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think

an affair will bring us closer together."

11

"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that - it

never worked."

QUÊN IU Ó I

“Hôn nhân ca tôi không còn gì thú v% na,” Bill nói

vi bn Doug.

“Ti sao không thêm s$ ngoi tình vào cu
c  i bn

và có thêm m
t m

i tình?” Doug  ngh%

“Nhng v tôi tìm ra thì sao?”

“" qu5, chúng ta ang s

ng trong m
t th i i

mi, Bill . Hãy th& và nói vi cô y v iu ó!”

Th là Bill v nhà và nói:”Cng, anh ngh m
t m

i

tình s làm cho chúng ta gn nhau hơn.”

“Quên iu ó i,” v nói. “Em ã th& ri – cha

bao gi hi!u qu.”

ON THE ROAD

After weeks on the road an over the road trucker

pulled into a brothel.The trucker walked up to the

madam, slapped $500.00 on the counter and

demanded "Give me a bologna sandwich and the

ugliest, meanest, most foul tempered woman in the

house."

The madam looked at the trucker and

exclaimed, "Sir for this kind of money you can have

the best steak with all the trimmings and two of the

prettiest girls in the state."

The trucker slowly looked up and with a tear

in his eye said, "You don't understand, I'm not

hungry or looking for company, I'm homesick!"

TRÊN 

NG I

Sau hàng tun trên  ng i, m
t tài x xe ti chy

vào m
t nhà ch#a. Ông ta bc ti bà ch ch#a, p

500 ô la trên quy và ra l!nh:”Cho tôi m
t sanwich

bologna và m
t em xu nht, hèn h nht, tính tình

tm nht trong nhà này.”

Tú bà nhìn tài x và la lên:”Tha ông, vi s

tin

này ông có th n món steak ngon nht và hai em d+

thơng nht bang.”

Tài x t' t' nhìn lên và vi git nc mt trong mt,

anh ta nói:”Bà không hiu, tôi không ói và tìm bn

tình, tôi nh nhà!”

WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN

"I'm going fishing."

Really means...

"I'm going to drink myself , and stand by a

stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim

by in complete safety."

"Woman driver."

Really means...

"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear,

make obscene gestures and has a better driving

record than me."

"It's a guy thing."

Really means...

"There is no rational thought pattern

connected with it, and you have no chance at all of

making it logical."

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."

Really means...

Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned

response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"My wife doesn't understand me."

Really means...

"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired

of them."

"It would take too long to explain."

Really means...

"I have no idea how it works."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too

hard."

Really means...

"I can't hear the game over the vacuum

cleaner."

"It's a really good movie."

Really means...

"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather

Locklear."

"That's women's work."

Really means...

"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Go ask your mother."

Really means...

"I am incapable of making a decision."

"I do help around the house."

Really means...

"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry

basket."

"I can't find it."

Really means...

"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so

I'm completely clueless."

IU ÀN ÔNG THC S NÓI

“Tôi s i câu cá.”

Ngh a th$c s$...

“Tôi s i u

ng r u m
t mình, và #ng bên

dòng nc vi cn câu trong tay trong khi cá bơi bên

cnh an toàn tuy!t 

i.

“Tài x n.”

Ngh a th$c s$ ...

12

“Ai ó không chy nhanh, không bám uôi

xe khác m
t cách nguy him, không có nhng c& ch)

t(c t u và có tin s& lái xe t

t hơn tôi.”

“"ó là m
t vn  àn ông.”

Ngh a th$c s$ ...

“Không có m
t kiu m*u suy ngh lý trí nào

kt n

i vi nó, và bn không có cơ h
i nào  làm

nó có logic.”

“6 há,” “6, cng,” hoc “Vâng, em yêu.”

Ngh a th$c s$...

Tuy!t 

i chng có gì. "ó là m
t phn x có

iu ki!n nh chó ca Paplop chy nc dãi.

“V tôi không hiu tôi.”

Ngh a th$c s$...

“Cô y ã nghe tt c các câu chuy!n ca tôi

trc ó, và m!t mi vì chúng.”

" gii thích thì quá dài.

Ngh a th$c s$...

“Tôi không có ý kin gì nó xy ra nh th

nào.”

“Hãy tm ngh), cng, em làm vi!c quá

nng.”

Ngh a th$c s$...

“Tôi không th nghe trò chơi ca máy hút

b(i.”

“"ó là m
t phim hay th$c s$.”

Ngh a th$c s$...

“Nó có súng, dao, xe phóng nhanh, và

Heather Locklear.”

“"ó là m
t công vi!c ph( n.”

Ngh a th$c s$...

“"ó là m
t công vi!c khó khn, dơ b,n, và

không  c bit ơn.”

“"i hi má em.”

Ngh a th$c s$...

“Anh bt l$c trong vi!c a ra m
t quyt

%nh.”

“Anh qu có giúp - trong vi!c nhà.”

Ngh a th$c s$...

Anh ã m
t ln t khn lau mt dơ vào r git .”

“Anh không th tìm ra nó.”

Ngh a th$c s$...

“Nó không rơi vào ôi tay vơn ra ca anh, vì th

anh hoàn toàn không có du vt.”

LITTLE JOHNNY

Little Johnny's teacher sent a note home to his

Mother saying, "Johnny seems to be a very bright

boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about

sex and girls."

The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you

find a solution, please advise. I have the same

problem with his Father."

BÉ JOHNNY

Giáo viên ca bé Johnny g&i m
t giy báo v cho

má nó, vit:”Johnny có v là m
t #a bé rt sáng d,

nhng dùng quá nhiu thì gi ca nó  ngh v tình

d(c và gái.”

Ng i má vit li vào hôm sau:”Nu cô tìm ra cách

gii quyt, hãy khuyên nh. Tôi c.ng có cùng vn

 ó vi ba nó.”

SEX WITH GAS

There was this gas station in "redneck country"

trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a

sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon, a

customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked

for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1

to 10, and if he guessed correctly, he would get his

free sex.

The buyer then guessed 8 and the proprietor

said, "No, but you were close. The number was 7.

Sorry, no free sex this time, but maybe next time."

Some time thereafter, the same man, along

with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill￾up, and again he asked for his free sex. The

proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked

him to guess the correct number.

The man guessed 2 this time and the

proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but

no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the driver said to

his buddy, "I think that game is rigged, and he

doesn't really give away free sex."

The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged...my

wife won twice last week."

SEX VI DU XNG

Có m
t cây xng nh th  “vùng quê lc hu” c

tng s

bán, vì th ông ch t m
t tm bng:”"

xng  c sex mi+n phí.” Chng bao lâu, m
t khách

hàng ghé xe vào,  xng, sau ó hi sex mi+n phí.

Ông ch nói anh ta chn m
t s

t' 1 ti 10, và nu

anh ta oán úng, anh ta s  c chơi mi+n phí.

Sau ó ng i mua oán 8 và ông ch nói:”Không

úng, nhng gn úng. S

ó là 7. Xin l/i, ln này

không có chơi mi+n phí, nhng ln ti thì có th.”

M
t khong th i gian sau ó, c.ng ng i àn ông

ó, ln này i cùng vi bn, c.ng ghé vào  xng,

và li ln na anh ta hi sex mi+n phí. Ông ch li

13

a anh ta cái th# nh trc, và nói anh ta oán

úng con s

.

Ng i àn ông ln này oán s

2 và ông ch

nói:”Xin l/i, ó là 3. Ông gn úng, nhng không

chơi mi+n phí ln này  c.”

Trong khi h lái i, tài x nói vi bn:”Tôi ngh rng

trò này là l'a o, và ông ta không th$c s$ cho chơi

mi+n phí.”

Ng i bn áp:”Không, nó không phi trò l'a o ...

v tôi  c hai ln tun qua.”

TRAILING MY HUSBAND

"So," Jane asked the detective she had hired. "Did

you trail my husband?"

"Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to

an out-of-the-way restaurant and then to an

apartment."

A big smile crossed Jane's face. "Aha! I've

got him!" she said gloating. "Is there any doubt what

he was doing?"

"No ma'am." replied the sleuth. "It's pretty

clear that he was following you."

THEO DÕI CHNG

“Nh vy,” Jane hi viên thám t& cô ã thuê, “anh

ã theo du chng tôi ch#?”

“"úng, tha bà. Tôi ã theo. Tôi theo anh y ti m
t

bar, ti m
t nhà hàng xa  ng và sau ó ti m
t

cn h
.”

M
t n( c i rõ ràng hi!n ra trên mt Jane. “Aha!

Tôi ã bt  c lão ta!” cô nói m
t cách h hê.”Có

gì áng ng lão ta ang làm gì không?”

“Không, tha bà,” thám t& tr l i. “Tình hình khá rõ

ràng là anh y ang theo bà.”

APPLYING FOR SOCIAL SECURITY

A retired gentleman went into the social security

office to apply for Social Security.

After waiting in line a long time he got to the

counter. The woman behind the counter asked him

for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in

his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at

home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but

he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I

have to go home and come back now?" he asks.

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly

silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is

proof enough for me," and she processed his Social

Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells

his wife about his experience at the Social Security

office.

She said, "You should have dropped your

pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

NP ƠN AN SINH XÃ HI

M
t quý ông v hu i vào vn phòng an sinh xã h
i

 n
p ơn.

Sau khi  i trong hàng m
t lúc lâu, ông ta i ti bàn

nhn ơn. Ng i ph( n #ng sau bàn hi ông ta

bng lái xe  th,m tra tui. Ông ta nhìn vào nhng

cái túi và nhn ra ông ta ã  bóp  nhà. Ông ta nói

vi ng i àn bà rng ông ta rt ly làm tic nhng

nhng ông có v nh ã  bóp  nhà. “Tôi s phi

v nhà và quay li bây gi không?” ông ta hi.

Ng i ph( n nói:”Hãy ci nút áo sơ mi ông ra.”

Vì th ông ta ci áo sơ mi ông ta cho thy nhiu s i

lông bc xon.

Bà ta nói:”S i lông bc trng ó trên ng$c ông là

bng ch#ng  cho tôi,” và bà ta gii quyt ơn xin

an sinh xã h
i ca ông.

Khi ng i àn ông v nhà, ông ta xúc 
ng k cho

v nghe v iu ông tri qua  vn phòng an sinh xã

h
i.

Bà ta nói:”Ông mà ci qun ông ra thì ông ã  c

xem là ã b% mt kh nng na.”

TEN DOLLARS IS TEN DOLLARS

Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were

from Portland,Maine. Every year they went to the

Portland Fair and every year Stumpy said, "Ya

know, Martha, I'd like to get a ride in that airplane."

And every year, Martha would say "I know,

Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars .. and

ten dollars is ten dollars."

So one year Stumpy says, "Martha, I'm 71

years old, and if I don't go this time I may never go."

Martha replies, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride is

ten dollars ... and ten dollars is ten dollars."

So the pilot overhears then and says, "Folks,

I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride.

If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say

ONE WORD, then I won't charge you. But just ONE

WORD and it's ten dollars."

They agree and up they go... the pilot does all

kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a

word is heard. He does it one more time, and there is

still no word... so he lands.

He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and

says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to

get you to holler out, but you didn't."