Reading people

"A WEALTH OF TIPS AND STRATEGIES for ferreting out people's real

viewpoints, motives, and character traits. . . . Whether interviewing a

baby-sitter, meeting a new date, or selecting a jury, this thorough, detailed

guide of what to look for could probably improve anyone's ability at seeing

and being seen."

—Publishers Weekly

America's leading expert on reading people, Jo-Elian Dimitrius, can literally

read a person like a book. By decoding the hidden messages in appearance,

tone of voice, facial expression, and personal habit, she has accurately

predicted the behavior of jurors, witnesses, lawyers, and judges in some of the

most celebrated trials of the past two decades. Now, in this phenomenal new

book, she applies the secrets of her extraordinary success to the everyday

situations we all face at work, at home, and in relationships.

How can you "hear between the lines" to detect a lie? When is intuition the

best guide to making important decisions? What are the tell-tale signs of

romantic attraction? How do other people "read" us? The answers lie closer

than we might think. Hair style, clothing, voice, hand gestures, the neatness

of office or living room, the steadiness of the gaze, behavior around

subordinates: in combination these and other traits provide critical clues to

a person's integrity, work habits, and sexual interests. Through vivid

anecdotes and proven techniques, Dimitrius teaches us how to interpret these

signs with accuracy and precision.

Whether your focus is friendship or marriage, career or family, romance or

professional success, Reading People gives you the skills you need to make

sound, swift decisions and reap the benefits from a lifetime of razor-sharp

insight.

"[A] VALUABLE GUIDE . . . Practical, good advice for discerningly

'reading' others and becoming more aware of the myriad of nonverbal

messages one conveys."

—Kirkus Reviews

Reading

People

01_576089 ffirs.qxd 1/20/05 5:46 PM Page ii

HOW TO UNDERSTAND PEOPLE

AND PREDICT THEIR BEHAVIOR—

ANYTIME, ANYPLACE

Jo-Ellan Dimitrius, Ph.D.,

and Mark Mazzarella

BALLANTIN E BOOK S • N E W YOR K

Sale of this book without a front cover may be unauthorized. If this book is coverless, it may

have been reported to the publisher as "unsold or destroyed" and neither the author nor the

publisher may have received payment for it.

A Ballantine Book

Published by The Ballantine Publishing Group

Copyright © 1998, 1999 by Jo-Elian Dimitrius and Mark Mazzarella

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions.

Published in the United States by The Ballantine Publishing Group, a division of Random

House, Inc., New York, and distributed in Canada by Random House of Canada Limited,

Toronto. Originally published in slightly different form by Random House, Inc., in 1998.

www.randomhouse.com/BB/

Ballantine and colophon are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.

Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 99-90259

ISBN 0-345-42587-1

Manufactured in the United States of America

Cover photo by Benoit

First Ballantine Edition: June 1999

109 8 76 5

To my father, Harlan Huebner, whose love of people was

contagious; to my mother, Joan Huebner, who continues

to inspire me with her passion for people; to my won￾derful children, Nikki, Francis, and Stirling, who bring

me love and joy every day of my life; and to Mark, whose

intellect, humor, compassion, patience, and devotion

made this book possible.

—JO-ELLAN DIMITRIUS

To my mom, Carol, who is with me in spirit always; to

my children, Eve, Laurel, Joel, Michael, and Cody, who

give me strength—and lots of practice reading people;

and to Jo-Elian, who has taught me to see people, and

the world, through different eyes.

— MARK MAZZARELLA

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Acknowledgments

No one ever achieved much without the contributions of others, and cre￾ating this book was no exception. From the time we first decided to write

Reading People, through its many drafts, and finally during the process

of editing, publishing, and promotion, we have been blessed with the en￾couragement and assistance of so many wonderful and talented people

that we could never thank them all. But we would like to publicly ac￾knowledge a few to whom we are particularly indebted.

We owe a special debt of gratitude to Dr. Spencer Johnson, who first

suggested that we write this book together. His vision of a book that

would help others live more enjoyable, meaningful, and fruitful lives

took root and grew into Reading People. Thank you also, Spencer, for

introducing us to our agent, Margret McBride, who has been a vital and

enthusiastic supporter since the inception of this project.

This book could never have been written without the assistance as well

of Jack Dunn, the CEO of FTI Consulting, who encouraged Jo-Elian to

take as much time as she needed away from her duties at the office; and

without the support of the partners, associates, and staff of the law firm

of Mazzarella, Dunwoody, Wilson & Petty, who pitched in to free Mark

up to spend the many months required to put our thoughts on paper.

We'll never be able to thank Lynn Randall enough for her twenty years

of support and friendship to Mark, and her help and encouragement

with this book. Thanks also to Diane Anderson and Melinda Lewis, who

transcribed draft after draft of the text. Their diligence, talent, and phe￾nomenal ability to understand Mark's dictation and read his handwrit-

viii Acknowledgments

ten edits kept us on schedule. We are also grateful to John Wexo and

Michael Rondeau, good friends and gifted writers, who took time out of

their busy lives to brainstorm and edit this book. A special thanks to you,

John—you showed us the way.

Our thanks also go out to all the great people at Random House, es￾pecially Deb Futter, our editor, for believing in this project and helping

make our dream a reality; and Jolanta Benal, our copy editor. We also

want to recognize Lynette Padwa for all her hard work on the early

drafts of the text.

Most important, we want to thank our families, friends, and loved

ones, whose quiet contributions will never be known, except by us.

Thank you all.

Contents

Acknowledgments vii

Introduction: A Passion for People xi

1. Reading Readiness: Preparing for the Challenge of

Reading People 3

2. Discovering Patterns: Learning to See the Forest, Not Just

the Trees 24

3. First Impressions: Reading Physical Appearance and Body

Language 45

4. Scanning the Environment: Seeing People in Context 76

5. It's Not What You Say, It's How You Say It: Learning to

Hear More Than Just Words 103

6. Learning to Ask the Right Questions—and Listen to the

Answers 127

7. Why Did You Put It That Way? Finding the Hidden

Meanings in Everyday Communication 152

8. Actions Speak Louder Than Words: Recognizing the

Revealing Nature of Behavior 182

9. Sometimes Things Aren't What They Appear to Be: Spotting

Exceptions to the Rules 207

10. Listening to Your Inner Voice: The Power of Intuition 225

x Contents

11. Looking in the Mirror: Reading How Others Are

Reading You 241

12. The Need for S.P.E.E.D.: Making S,nap Judgments

That Make Sense 258

Appendix A: Physical Traits and What They Reveal 267

Appendix B: Body Language and What It Reveals 281

Introduction:

A Passion for People

When I was a child, I'd peer down from my perch at the top of the stairs

above my parents' living room during their frequent dinner parties. I'd

watch as my mother scurried around, carefully ensuring that no glass

was empty. I remember the chubby, bald man whose booming laughter

resonated throughout the house, and his rail-thin wife, who shook her

head and rolled her eyes as he launched into an only slightly modified

version of a story he'd told dozens of times before. I would laugh to my￾self as my father's friend John reached out casually for another hors

d'oeuvre to add to the scores he'd already inhaled, while my dad play￾fully poked him in the stomach, and said, chuckling, "Make sure you

save some room for dinner, little boy." I loved those Saturday evenings,

when the house filled with the laughter and conversation of a dozen

people—all so different, and yet so alike. Even when I was a child my

passion was people.

Twenty-five years later, armed with nothing more than my lifetime of

experiences, paper, and a pen, I sat nervously in court watching several

dozen prospective jurors file into the courtroom for the first time. From

among them, I would have to select the twelve who would decide

whether my client would live or die. Every other decision I'd ever made

about people suddenly seemed insignificant. Should I have trusted the

salesman who sold me my first used car? Was I right to confide in my best

friend that I had a crush on her big brother? Had I chosen a good baby￾sitter for my young daughter? I had been reading people for over thirty

years, but this time a man's life was at stake.

xii Introduction

For fifteen years since then, I have made my living reading people. I

have sized up more than ten thousand prospective jurors, and evaluated

thousands of witnesses, lawyers, and even judges. I sat for weeks next to

"the Night Stalker," Richard Ramirez, peering every day into the cold￾est eyes I have ever seen. I shared Peggy Buckey's anguish at her unwar￾ranted prosecution for child molestation in the McMartin Preschool

case. I watched in horror as rioting spread through Los Angeles after the

defense verdict in the Rodney King Simi Valley trial. In the Reginald

Denny case, I tried to comprehend why four young men would merci￾lessly beat a complete stranger, and struggled to select jurors who would

understand those motives and respond leniently. I strained to compre￾hend the internal torment that led John DuPont to shoot and kill

Olympic wrestler David Schultz. And I endured the world's scrutiny, and

often its harsh criticism, because I helped select the jury that acquitted

O. J. Simpson.

It has been a wild, sometimes exhilarating ride, but not as glamorous

as some might think. I have worked agonizingly long hours, and while I

have been applauded by some for my involvement in unpopular cases, I

have also been criticized by others for the very same involvement. My ef￾forts to explain my deep commitment to the American system of justice

and the principle that no one should be denied his liberty, let alone his

life, by anything less than a truly impartial jury, have often fallen on deaf

ears. My life has been threatened. I was even blamed by some for the

L.A. riots in 1992 because I helped pick the jury that acquitted the four

police officers charged with beating Rodney King.

Through it all, I have watched and listened. I have done my best to

apply my education, my powers of observation, my common sense, and

my intuition to understanding those who have passed through the court￾rooms where I have worked. Mostly, I have learned. And if there's one

thing I have learned, sometimes the hard way, it is how to read people.

From the day I was chosen by "the Dream Team" to become the jury

consultant in O. J. Simpson's criminal trial, I have been approached from

seemingly every angle to write a book. Not a book about what I do

best—reading people—but about the dirt on the Los Angeles District At￾torney's Office, or how the O. J. Simpson case compared with my other

high-profile cases, or (and this was far and away the most popular topic)

the inside scoop on the Dream Team. But writing an expose never inter￾ested me. It was not until a very wise friend, the writer Spencer Johnson,

suggested, "Write about something you know best, something that will

make a difference in people's lives," that we were inspired to write Read￾ing People.

Introduction xiii

No matter with whom you interact, no matter where or when you in￾teract with them, the quality of your life will depend to a large extent on

the quality of your decisions about people. Salesmen will sell more, and

customers will make better purchasing decisions. Employers will make

better hiring choices; prospective employees will improve their chances

of landing the best jobs. You will choose your friends, lovers, and part￾ners better, and understand your family members more. As a friend you

will be more sensitive and as a competitor you will be more alert.

Some of those who read people for a living, as I do, rely almost exclu￾sively on scientific research, surveys, studies, polls, and statistical analy￾sis. Others claim to have a God-given talent. My own experience has

taught me that reading people is neither a science nor an innate gift. It is

la matter of knowing what to look and listen for, having the curiosity and

' patience to gather the necessary information, and understanding how to

recognize the patterns in a person's appearance, body language, voice,

v and conduct.

During college and graduate school, I spent almost a decade studying

psychology, sociology, physiology, and criminology, along with a smat￾tering of statistics, communication, and linguistics. As valuable as my

formal education has been, it is not what made The American Lawyer

dub me "the Seer" a few years back. Rather, it is my near-obsessive cu￾riosity about people—how they look, sound, and act—that has made me

an effective people reader. The empathy I feel for others drives me to un￾derstand them better.

My most important skill is my ability to see the pattern of someone's

personality and beliefs emerge from among often conflicting traits and

characteristics. It is a skill I learned from the time I was a little girl, sit￾ting at the top of those stairs during my parents' dinner parties, and re￾fined through a lifetime of experiences and over four hundred trials. Best

of all, it's a skill that can be learned and applied with equal success by

anyone—anytime, anyplace.

Why am I so sure?

Because over the past fifteen years I have tested this method on more

than ten thousand "research subjects." After predicting the behavior of

thousands of jurors, witnesses, lawyers, and judges, I have been able to

see whether my predictions came true. After the cases were decided, I

spoke with the participants to explore what they thought and why. I did

not always peg them correctly, especially in the earlier years. But by test￾ing my perceptions over and over, I have verified which clues are gener￾ally reliable and which are not. I have also learned it is important not to

focus on any single trait or characteristic: taken alone, almost any trait