Marriage and Family

Marriage

and Family

Second Edition

TRIANGLE PUBLISHING

Marion, Indiana

Marriage and Family

A Christian Perspective

Second Edition

Barbara A. Riggs, Ph.D., LMFT

Cynthia Benn Tweedell, Ph.D.

Marriage and Family: A Christian Perspective, 2nd Edition

Barbara A. Riggs, Ph.D., LMFT and Cynthia Benn Tweedell, Ph.D.

Direct correspondence and permission requests to one of the following:

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Web site: www.trianglepublishing.com

Mail: Triangle Publishing

1900 West 50th Street

Marion, Indiana 46953

USA

The American Psychological Association Manual was used in this work.

Published by Triangle Publishing

Marion, Indiana 46953

ISBN: 978-1-931283-41-0

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise noted, are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®

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Used by permission.

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Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America.

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uthors typically invest thousands of hours in the process of providing a textbook for

you—drawing upon their own expertise, collaborating with others in their discipline,

researching, and writing. They have collected and organized the important topics of

the subject matter in a form they believe is most beneficial for your learning. In addition to

the significant investment the authors make, publishers solicit the assistance of other experts

and professors in their quest to provide excellent learning resources.

Excellence is enhanced through peer reviews. These reviews are a very important part of

the process of publishing any textbook as experts in the field critically examine the authors’

work. Reviewers read the text carefully and usually provide the publisher with dozens of

pages of critical comments. These comments range from strengths such as affirmation about

content and writing style to suggestions about deficiencies—chapter organization,

information regarding current research, documentation, form and style matters, as well as

debate pertaining to the authors’ viewpoints. The authors are provided with the review

comments and are given opportunity to respond—and in many cases do additional

researching, rewriting, and discussing issues and questions that are raised.

This textbook is no exception to the peer review process. Many professionals in the field of

marriage and family studies, including counseling, legal affairs, and teaching/learning, have

invested hundreds of hours reviewing this text. The Publisher is especially thankful to the

reviewers who have given their expertise, time, and wisdom in reading and commenting on

Marriage and Family. Their contribution adds significantly to the content and quality of

what you are about to study.

For your information, some of the reviewers and a summary of their involvement in the

field of marriage and family studies are listed on the following page. For those academic

administrators and professors who by their choice are not listed here, we truly appreciate

your significant contributions as well. You know who you are.

With gratitude,

Nathan Birky

Publisher

Triangle Publishing

Academic and Peer Review

vii

SharonCady received her baccalaureate degree from Indiana Wesleyan University and a Master of

Social Work degree from Indiana University. She has a private counseling practice in which she

enjoys strengthening marriages and families. Sharon is a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW)

and holds credentials with the Academy of Certified Social Workers (ACSW). She is also an adjunct

professor for Indiana Wesleyan University, often teaching Sociology and Marriage and the Family

courses. Sharon has been married to Don for 27 years. They have two adult children.

Dr. Sharon Drury earned the Ph.D. in Organizational Leadership from Regent University in

Virginia, and teaches Advanced Leadership and Organization Theory courses in the doctoral

program at Indiana Wesleyan University (IWU). She has been with IWU for over 15 years and

served previously as the Dean for the College of Adult and Professional Studies. Sharon specializes

in applying leadership theory to nonprofit organizations and higher educational institutions,

and in developing women for leadership positions. She committed her life to Jesus Christ as a

young adult, and has been married for over 40 years to Dr. Keith Drury, Associate Professor of

Religion at IWU. They have two married sons, David and John, and four grandchildren. Sharon

has hiked 1,000 miles of the Appalachian Trail, climbed Mt. Katahdin in Maine and Mt.Whitney

in California, and enjoys bicycling “rails to trails” with her husband.

Charles Kaufmann is professor and Social Science Department Chair at Central Christian

College, McPherson, Kansas. He currently teaches several sociology courses (including marriage

and family) and many U.S. history courses. He received an Associate of Arts degree from Central

Christian College, Bachelor of Arts from Briar Cliff College and a Master of Arts in Liberal Studies

from Wichita State University. He is an ordained minister in the Free Methodist Church and has

24 years of pastoral ministry. Charles and his wife, Lori, have been married for 35 years and are

the parents of five children and the grandparents of three grandchildren. Charles enjoys road

bikes (especially his recumbent), sprint triathlons, and backpacking.

Dr. RB Kuhn taught at Allegheny Wesleyan College 5 years, followed by serving as Minister of

Christian Education and Principal at Faith Mission Church/Stone City Christian Academy for 19

years. Since 2001, RB has been an administrator in Indiana Wesleyan University’s College of Adult

and Professional Studies. His current responsibilities as Director of the School of Liberal Arts

include oversight for General Education, Electives, Criminal Justice, Religion, and Addictions

Counseling. He continues involvement with Triangle’s author focus groups and editing, and

participates in product representation in nationwide conference settings. RB is a freelance writer,

musician, worship leader, and keyboard project producer—activities which span more than 32

years. He has been married to Pamela (a published author of 40 titles of Christian education

curriculum) 34 years, has a teenage daughter still at home, one married daughter, and three

beautiful grandchildren.

Reviewers

Dr. Paul Stoltzfus is currently in private practice with specialties in neuropsychology,

pediatric psychology, forensic consultations, and is an adjunct professor at George Fox

University. He completed an undergraduate degree in Clinical Psychology at George Mason

University (Virginia), and received Master and Doctorate degrees at George Fox University

in clinical psychology. His dissertation researched treatment efficacy in adolescents in

residential treatment. Dr. Stoltfus’ professional involvement includes being a member of the

Oregon State Bar, Board of Bar Examiners, President of George Fox Alumni Board, and Elder

at Newberg Friends Church. His past employment has included: staff psychologist in

community mental health, clinical director in a private mental health treatment center, and

the clinical director at an adolescent residential treatment center. Paul and his wife, Janette,

are the parents of four children, live on a hobby farm, enjoy gardening and raise their own

pork and beef. Hobbies include reading existential psychology, practicing contemplative

disciplines, tennis, archery, mountain biking, and hiking. Paul is fully in love with family,

friends and the wide, wild Northwest.

Dr. Judi Schwanz is the Professor of Pastoral Care and Counseling at Nazarene Theological

Seminary. She also serves as Research Consultant for the Doctor of Ministry program at

NTS and is the director of the Wynkoop Center for Women in Ministry. Dr. Schwanz holds

a Ph.D. and M.S. in Psychology from Portland State University, and an M.A. in Counseling

from Western Evangelical Seminary. She is an ordained minister in the Church of the

Nazarene. In addition to her teaching responsibilities, Judi counsels NTS students in personal

and professional matters. Judi has written Blessed Connections: Relationships that Sustain

Vital Ministry, published by the Alban Institute. She has written numerous articles and speaks

at retreats and workshops. Judi and her husband, Keith, are the parents of two married

children and have five grandchildren.

Dr. Terri S. Watson, Psy.D., ABPP, is an Associate Professor at Wheaton College, where she

coordinates the M.A. Clinical Psychology program. Board Certified in Clinical Psychology

and an Approved Supervisor with the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy,

Dr. Watson teaches graduate courses in Marital Therapy, Clinical Supervision, Humanistic

/ Experiential Therapy, and Play Therapy. She publishes and presents on a variety of topics

including integration of psychology and Christian faith, women’s issues, child and family

therapy, and supervision.

Additional reviewers preferred not to be listed.

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Marriage and Family

Contents

Academic and Peer Review . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . v

Preface . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . xi

1. Why Marriage and Family? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1

2. The Changing Face of the American Family: Early History . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 23

3. The Changing Face of the American Family: Modern History . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 54

4. Dating: Getting to Know You . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 83

5. Love and Mate Selection: What’s Love Got To Do With It? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 107

6. Marriage and Family Life: The Early Years . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 127

7. Marriage and Family Life: The Parenting Years . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 158

8. Marriage and Family Life: The Middle and Late Years . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 197

9. Families and Work: The Juggling Act . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 231

10. Time, Energy, and Money: Managing Family Resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 257

11. Cultural Variations in Marriage and Family . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 283

12. Conflict in Families . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 314

13. Divorce and Remarriage . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 339

14. Building Strong Families . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 376

Epilogue: The Future of the Family . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 397

Glossary . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 404

References . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 416

Index . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 451

About the Authors . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 458

I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.

—Ephesians 4:1

he strongest influence in your life will stem from your family. A family gives more than

a name—it gives identity. Through family relationships, people come to a better

understanding of themselves and learn to interact with others. Whether negative or positive,

their concepts of love and their choices in life are in large part due to the influence of their

families, including the way they handle conflict or develop possible prejudices.

The family is an integral part of society, both shaping and being shaped by it. Every

society develops some kind of family structure, however diverse these structures may be. As

social groups develop culture and social order, they must provide an organized way to

nurture and care for weaker members. They also must learn to interact constructively with

other social groups. In today’s global society, an understanding of different family forms,

such as singleness, interracial marriage, same-sex couples, and other cultural variations, is

crucial to intercultural relations.

Preface© iStockphoto.com / nataq

Sometimes students enter a marriage

and family course hoping for a “cookbook”

approach—a way to find a secret recipe for

a happy family life. Of course, there is no

secret recipe in Marriage and Family: A

Christian Perspective. We (the authors)

challenge much of the advice given in

popular media outlets, and even in other

secular marriage and family texts, making

this text suitable as an introductory

marriage and family textbook for college

and adult age groups. “If I had only known .

. .” We have often heard our students say

this in our classes over the years. This text

provides students an opportunity to

examine family issues within a Christian

framework, in order to gain the practical

knowledge and tools they will need

throughout life.

Marriage and Family takes a life-cycle

approach similar to Carter and McGoldrick

(2005), which is reflected in the

arrangement of the chapters. The authors

first discuss the science and history of the

American family. Subsequent chapters

consider dating, love, and spouse selection;

the stages in marriage and family life;

cultural variations in family patterns; and

family issues such as finances, careers,

conflict, divorce, and remarriage. While

these topics may be found in other

marriage and family textbooks, what sets

this textbook apart from other texts is its

Christian focus. By integrating biblical

principles into every chapter, Marriage

and Family affirms the Lordship of Jesus

Christ in all family relationships.

What defines a “Christian” family?

How does the American family of the

1800s differ from today’s family? What are

the implications of those differences?

Should a family with young children

operate in the same way as a family with

teenagers? Should an older married couple

expect to relate to one another as they did

when they were newlyweds?

We believe the Bible holds the answers

to these questions, offering sound

guidance on how to build and sustain

godly relationships. Just as we all are God’s

unique creations—individually designed

for God’s purposes— our marriages and

family relationships are also unique. While

your marriage may not look like your

parents’, we believe that certain broad

Christian principles should be part of

every marriage:

xii

Marriage and Family

1. Love: This text discusses the different

types of love and how these types

relate to mate selection. The authors

offer guidelines for involving God in

relationship decisions by showing

which kind of love is most closely

aligned with the love Christ modeled.

2. Covenant: This is what distinguishes

marriage from other relationships. In

discussing mate selection, Marriage

and Family explores Christian ideals

of covenant, taking as its model the

covenant relationship between God

Marriage and Family challenges the

reader to think about choices in marriage

and family relationships within a biblical

context. In our review of different marriage

and family styles, we hope to stimulate

thinking about the advantages and

disadvantages of each style. Throughout

this theory-based but practical text, the

reader will find real-life case studies of

marriage and family relationships to help in

defining and understanding the differences

among families. Each chapter includes a

Christian viewpoint, a summary, key

concepts, and questions for thought.

As a result of reading Marriage and

Family, students should develop an

understanding of marriage and family life

in relationship to biblical models. Seeing

marriage and family life with a Christian

perspective will ultimately help students

make decisions which will truly benefit their

own family styles.

We would like to thank the many people

who reviewed this text and made helpful

suggestions. Among them are marriage and

family therapists and faculty members of

several Christian colleges. We especially

note Charles Kaufmann, Central Christian

College; Scott Monsma, Northwestern

College (Iowa); Susan Warner, Cedarville

University; Walter Chung, Eastern College;

Richard Durfield, Azusa Pacific University;

Paul Stoltzfus, George Fox University; and

Dan Poff, Jim Beers, and Dennis Banter,

Indiana Wesleyan University. In addition

we wish to thank Cheryl Vance, Stephanie

Castle, and Mallory Tucker for their

assistance in researching topics. We would

especially like to thank our families, for

without their patience and support, this

book could not have been written.

Together, we have produced a marriage

and family text we hope will give glory to

God as the Creator and Sustainer of families.

xiii

Preface

and His people. In later chapters, the

text discusses ways in which this

covenant is tested and deepened. The

text also examines why some couples

decide to dissolve their marriages.

3. Mutual submission: While this

concept may seem anachronistic in

our modern culture, Marriage and

Family sheds light on the biblical

context for mutually fulfilling

relationships. Marriages rooted in

mutuality will be more vital and

sustainable than marriages based on

unequal power and a faulty

understanding of respect and roles.

4. Freedom: Contemporary culture

often portrays marriage and family

life as something that restricts

personal freedom and keeps people

in bondage. By applying Christian

principles, Marriage and Family

stresses that marriage ultimately is a

liberating experience, freeing spouses

to be all they can be for Christ.

Healthy marriages and families are the

keys to a healthy society. God places

people in families to help them develop as

individuals first and then to learn to

interact with others. Unhealthy families

offer an environment which may choke

individuality and create barriers for

spiritual growth. It is our hope that

Marriage and Family will enable readers to

examine their own situations in light of

God’s desire for their families, to identify

and begin to heal from past wounds and

to gain the knowledge they need to help

others.

—Barbara A. Riggs, Ph.D., LMFT

Cynthia Benn Tweedell, Ph.D.

xiv

Marriage and Family

Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone.”

—Genesis 2:18 NRSV

Why Take a Marriage and Family Class?

f you are like most students, you have been involved in and surrounded by families

all your life. You’ve observed many different family styles, including your own

intimate family relationships. So why bother with a systematic study of family at the

collegiate level, when you have been “living” family all along? What can such a study add

to your understanding of marriage and family?

Why Marriage

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