Interpersonal communication: competence and contexts

Secon d Editio n

Communicatio n

COMPETENC E AN D CONTEXT S

GUYEN

;ueu

Shelle y D . Lan e

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Interpersona l

Communicatio n

SECON D

EDITIO N

Shelle y D . Lan e

Universit y o f Texa s a t Dalla s

ftB HOC THAI NGUYEN

TEUNG TAM HOC LIBIT

Allyn & Bacon

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Lane, Shelley D.

Interpersonal communication : competence and contexts / Shelley D. Lane — 2nd ed.

p. cm.

includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN-13: 978-0-205-66302-6

ISBN-10: 0-205-66302-8

L Interpersonal communication. I. Title.

P94.7.L36 2010

302.2—dc22 2008055983

10 987654321 Q-TAU 13 12 11 10 09

Allyn & Bacon

is an imprint of

PEARSO N

www.pearsonhighered.com

ISBN-10: 0-205-66302-8

ISBN-13: 978-205-66302-6

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Brie f Content s

PAR T Basic s o f Competen t Communicatio n

Chapte r i Introductio n t o Interpersona l Communicatio n 2

Chapte r 2 Perceptio n an d Communicatio n 34

Chapte r 3 Th e Self-Concep t an d Communicatio n 6 2

Chapte r 4 Emotio n an d Communicatio n 9 2

PAR T Creatin g Competen t Message s

Chapter s Verba l Communicatio n 118

Chapte r 6 Nonverba l Communicatio n 146

Chapte r 7 Conversatio n an d Communicatio n Styl e 178

Chapte r 8 Listenin g an d Confirmin g Responses 20 4

PAii T Communicatio n Competenc y i n Relationship s

Chapte r 9 Disconfirmin g Communicatio n an d Settin g Boundarie s 230

Chapte r 1 0 Interpersona l Relationship s 256

Chapte r 11 Interpersona l Conflic t 29 0

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PAR T Basic s o f Competen t Communicatio n

The Stud y o f Interpersona l

Communicatio n

Chapte r 1

Introductio n t o Interpersona l Communicatio n

Individual Context

KNOWLEDGE ON THE CUTTING EDGE: Technology

Update: Communication and Our Changing World 4

Interpersona l Communicatio n

Competenc e 5

Effectiveness and Appropriateness 5

• Knowledge: Is Your Communication Effective

and Appropriate?

Communication Competence and Civility

• Knowledge: Uncivil Communication

Communication Competence and Ethics

• Motivation: Are You an Ethical

Communicator?

Motivation, Knowledge, and Skill

Becoming a Competent Communicator

Contexts an d Interpersona l

Communicatio n

6

6

7

7

8

8

10

11

Culture Context 11

• Knowledge: The Squeaky Wheel orthe Nail

Hammered Down? 12

Relationship Context 13

• Knowledge: What Are Your Family Rules

and Stories? 14

• Knowledge: Communication Competence

at Work 14

Gender Context 15

KNOWLEDGE ON THE CUTTING EDGE: Putting

It in Context: Sex and Communication Behavior

• Knowledge: Student and Worker and Child,

Oh My!

Types o f Communicatio n

2

16

17

18

18

• Knowledge: Are You a Good Communicator? 18

Intrapersonal Communication 19

Interpersonal Communication 20

• Knowledge: Treated as an Object 20

Relational Communication 22

• Knowledge: Is it Control or Connection? 22

Metacommunicatio n 23

Metacommunication at the Content

Level of Meaning

Metacommunication at the Relational

Level of Meaning

• Skill: Metacommunication

Competence & Critical Thinking:

THE SWITCH AND RELATIONAL COMMUNICATION

Principles o f Communicatio n

23

24

25

26

27

Communication Is Transactional

Communication Is Irreversible

Communication Is an Ongoing Process

Communication Is Inevitable

27

28

28

28

ix

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Contents

Components i n a Transactional Mode l

o f Communicatio n 29

Elements Involved in the Communication

Process 29

Using Model Components to Analyze

Interpersonal Communication 30

CHAPTER REVIEW

STUDY QUESTIONS

NAMES TO KNOW

KEY TERMS

32

32

33

33

Chapte r 2

Perceptio n an d Communicatio n

Introductio n t o Perception 36

W h y It's Importan t t o Study

Perception an d Communicatio n

Reciprocal Relationship

Different Realities

36

36

36

• Knowledge: Is It a Masterpiece or Something

a Child Could Have Painted? 37

The Stages i n th e Perception Process 38

Selection 38

Organization 38

• Knowledge: This Offer Won't Last,

So Call Now! 38

KNOWLEDGE ON THE CUTTING EDGE: "Rights"

versus "Right": Are You a Civil Communicator? 39

Interpretation

Perceptual Biases

41

42

KNOWLEDGE ON THE CUTTING EDGE: Technology

Update: Person Perception and Computer-Mediated

43

43

Communication (CMC)

Selectivity

• Knowledge: Love Is Blind 44

Confusing Fact with Inference 44

• Knowledge: Truthful Information or Hurtful

Gossip 45

Attributional Errors 45

• Knowledge: Taking Credit or Assigning Blame 46

Describing Sense Dat a an d Perception

Checking t o Prevent Perceptual Bias 4 6

• Skill: Communicating Descriptions Based

on Sense Data

• Skill: Perception Checking

Contexts an d Perception

Stereotyping

Competence & Critical Thinking:

THE SACA OF SUSAN AND JUAN AND PERCEPTION

• Knowledge: Al I a re ?

Prejudice

Minimizing Stereotypic and Prejudicial

Perceptions

A CASE STUDY IN ETHICS: The Phantom

Blogger

CHAPTER REVIEW

STUDY QUESTIONS

NAMES TO KNOW

KEY TERMS

3 4

47

4 8

49

Culture Context 49

Relationship Context 50

Gender Context 52

KNOWLEDGE ON THE CUTTING EDGE:

Putting It in Context: Communication, Sex, and

Perception 53

I nd ivid ua I Context 53

Contexts an d Improvin g

Communicatio n Competenc e 54

• Motivation: Walk a Mile in My Shoes 55

Overcoming Communicatio n

Challenges: Stereotyping and

Prejudice J 5

55

56

57

58

58

59

60

60

61

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Contents xi

1m

IMS

far?

H Chapte r 3

T h e Self-Concep t an d

Introductio n t o th e Self-Concept 6 4

Characterization of the Self-Concept 64

The Formation and Development of the

Self-Concept 64

KNOWLEDGE ON THE CUTTING EDGE:

Communication, Self-Concept, and Civil

Discourse: Are You a Civil Communicator? 65

W h y It's Importan t t o Stud y

Self-Concept 6 6

• Knowledge: "You're Just SayingThat to Make

Me Feel Better!" 66

• Motivation: I Want to Change.. . 67

• Motivation: I'm Not So Bad After All! 68

Characteristics an d Components

o f th e Self-Concept 6 9

Self-Image and Self-Esteem 69

• Knowledge: Do You Like Yourself? 70

Perceived as Multidimensional 70

Influenced by Self-Disclosure 70

Based on Subjective Information 72

The "Face" We Present to Others 73

• Knowledge: Matching "faces"? 73

KNOWLEDGE ON THE CUTTING EDGE:

Technology Update: Self-Concept, Identity, and

Computer-Mediated Communication (CMC) 74

Communicatio n

• Skill: Face-Saving Communication

Contexts an d Self-Concept

6 2

75

76

Culture Context 76

Relationship Context 77

Gender Context 78

Individual Context 79

Competence & Critical Thinking:

AISHA'S TERM PAPER AND THE SELF-CONCEPT 80

Defensiveness an d Nondefensiv e

Reactions 81

Defensive Reactions 82

• Knowledge: Shouting, Excusing, Avoiding,

or Denying? 83

Nondefensive Reaction Skills 84

• Skill: Nondefensive Reactions 86

Overcomin g Communicatio n

Challenges: Inflate d Self-Esteem 87

Academic Performance 87

Interpersonal Relations 87

A CASE STUDY IN ETHICS: "I'm a Loser..." 89

CHAPTER REVIEW 90

STUDY QUESTIONS 90

NAMES TO KNOW 91

KEY TERMS 91

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xii Contents

Chapte r 4

Emotio n an d Co m

Introductio n t o Emotions

W h y It's Importan t t o Stud y

Emotions an d Communicatio n

municatio n

9 4

_94

95

95

96

96

97

98

9 8

• Knowledge:Am I Happy,Angry,orSad?

KNOWLEDGE ON THE CUTTING EDGE:

Incivility on-the-job: Are You a Civil

Communicator?

Emotions an d Physiology: Fast-Track

a n d Slow-Track Circuit Emotions

Emotions and the Fast-Track Circuit

• Knowledge: I'm Scared and I Don't

KnowWhy!

Emotions and the Slow-Track Circuit

Types off Emotions

Primary and Mixed Emotions 98

Emotion Families 98

KNOWLEDGE ON THE CUTTING EDGE:

Technology Update: Emotion and Computer￾Mediated Communication 99

Facilitative and Debilitative Emotions 99

Managin g Our Emotions 101

Managing Fast-Track Circuit Emotions 101

• Motivation: Listeningto"BodyTalk" 102

Managing Slow-Track Circuit Emotions 102

• Motivation: Which Thoughts Cause My

Emotions? 103

• Motivation: Managing My Debilitative

Emotions

Expressing Our Emotions

Culture Context

Relationship Context

Gender Context

Individual Context

Overcomin g Communicatio n

Challenges: Workplac e Bullyin g

a n d Mobbin g

CHAPTER REVIEW

STUDY QUESTIONS

NAMES TO KNOW

KEY TERMS

9 2

103

1Q4

Setting Realistic Goals 104

Improving Our Emotional Intelligence 104

• Knowledge: Testing Your EO 105

The Communication of Emotions 105

• Skill: Owning Our Emotions 107

Competence & Critical Thinking:

DRIVE ME NUTS AN DEMOTIONS 108

Contexts an d Emotions 109

109

110

112

112

" 3

A CASE STUDY IN ETHICS: Gays in the

Military—Protest by the Westboro

Baptist Church 115

116

"7

"7

«7

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Contents XIII

PAR T Creatin g Competen t Message s

Chapte r J

Verba l Communicatio n

Introductio n t o Verba l Communication 120

Characterization of Verbal Communication 120

• Knowledge: • tV O C • A 121

W h y It's Importan t t o Stud y Verba l

Communicatio n

Verba l Communicatio n an d

Meanin g

Denotative and Connotative Meanings

• Knowledge: Do We Really "Rest" in the

Rest room?

The Coordinated Management

of Meaning

Skills fo r Improvin g Verba l

Communicatio n

121

Interpersonal Communication Motives

and Verbal Communication 121

122

KNOWLEDGE ON THE CUTTING EDGE:

Profanity and Curse Words: Are You a Civil

Communicator? 123

123

124

"5

126

Abstraction 126

• Skill: Using Specific and Concrete Words 128

Indiscrimination and Allness 128

Indexing and Owning Our Thoughts 128

• Skill: Indexing and OwningThoughts 129

Static Evaluation 129

Dating Information 129

Competence & Critical Thinking:

WORDS THAT WOUND AND VERBAL COMMUNICATION 130

• Skill: Dating Information 132

118

Verba l Communication 's Influenc e

On Though t 132

Carefully Chosen Words Affect Thought

and Action 132

• Knowledge: Language Screens 133

Words Subtly Affect Thought 133

Contexts an d Verba l Communicatio n 133

Culture Context 133

KNOWLEDGE ON THE CUTTING EDGE:

Words without English Equivalents 135

Relationship Context 135

• Knowledge: Do You Have the "Clicker"? 136

KNOWLEDGE ON THE CUTTING EDGE: Technology

Update: CMC and Verbal Communication 137

Gender Context 137

Individual Context 138

KNOWLEDGE ON THE CUTTING EDGE: Putting

It in Context: Sex and Verbal Communication 138

• Knowledge: What's a "Blow-Off" Class? 139

Overcomin g Communicatio n

Challenges: Gender-Biased

Language 140

Gender-Biased Language 140

Gender-Inclusive Language 141

A CASE STUDY IN ETHICS: Offensive Verbal

Communication? 143

CHAPTER REVIEW 144

STUDY QUESTIONS 144

NAMES TO KNOW 145

KEY TERMS 145

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XIV Contents

Chapte r 6

Nonverba l Communicatio n

Introductio n t o Nonverba l

Communicatio n

W h y It's Importan t t o Stud y

Nonverba l Communicatio n

Repeating

Substituting

Accenting

Complementing

Regulating

148

KNOWLEDGE ON THE CUTTING EDGE:

Communication, Nonverbal Behavior, and

Civility: Are You a Civil Communicator? 149

150

Meaning 150

Relational Messages 150

• Knowledge: Your Words Say,"No" but Your

Eyes Say,"Yes!" 150

Functions o f Nonverba l

Communicatio n 151

151

151

152

152

153

Types o f Nonverba l Communicatio n 153

KNOWLEDGE ON THE CUTTING EDGE:

Technology Update: Computer-Mediated

Communication and Nonverbal Communication 153

• Knowledge: Mind Reading 154

Kinesics 154

• Knowledge: "My Hands Are Tied." 155

• Knowledge: The Facial Action Coding Scheme 156

Paralanguage 158

• Knowledge: "I Don't Have an Accent but

They Do!"

KNOWLEDGE ON THE CUTTING EDGE:

Linguistic Profiling

159

159

Physical Characteristics

Environment

• Knowledge: "Get Outta My Face!"

Nonverba l Immediac y Behaviors

1 4 6

160

160

163

163

• Skill: Nonverbal Immediacy Behaviors 163

Contexts an d Nonverba l

Communicatio n 165

Culture Context 165

• Knowledge: "They Are So Rude!" 166

Relationship Context 166

Gender Context 168

KNOWLEDGE ON THE CUTTING EDGE:

Putting It in Context: Communication, Sex,

and Nonverbal Communication 168

• Knowledge: You Sit Like a (Wo)Man! 169

Individual Context 169

• Knowledge: "1 Can See L-l-E Written

All Over Your Face!" 171

Overcomin g Communicatio n

Challenges: Stalkin g 171

Characteristics 171

Competence & Critical Thinking:

THE REUNION AND NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION 172

Contending with Stalking Behaviors 174

A CASE STUDY IN ETHICS: "Does It Take a

Village (and Corporal Punishment) to Raise

a Child?" 175

CHAPTER REVIEW 176

STUDY QUESTIONS 176

NAMES TO KNOW 177

KEY TERMS 177

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Contents XV

Chapte r 7

Conversatio n an d Co m

Introductio n t o Conversation an d

Communicatio n Styl e 180

• Knowledge: What Conversation "Does" 180

Why It's Important to Study

Conversation 180

Conversation, Communication,

Apprehension , an d Motivatio n 181

• Motivation: Does CA Affect Your Motivation

to Communicate?

KNOWLEDGE ON THE CUTTING EDGE:

Conversations, Cell Phones, and Civility:

Are You a Civil Communicator?

How Conversation Functions

181

182

183

Speech Acts

• Knowledge: Is It a Question or Statement?

The Cooperative Principle

• Knowledge: Abbott and Costello's "Who's

on First?"

Skills of Competent

Conversationalists

183

184

184

185

186

Beginning a Conversation 186

• Knowledge: Are You a Competent

Conversationalist? 187

KNOWLEDGE ON THE CUTTING EDGE:

Asperger's Syndrome 187

• Skill: Asking Questions That Will Engage

Others in Conversation 189

municatio n Styl e

Sustaining a Conversation

• Skill: Sustaining a Conversation

Concluding a Conversation

Competence & Critical Thinking:

TALK, TALK, TALK AND CONVERSATION

Contexts, Conversation, and

Communicatio n Styl e

1 7 8

189

190

191

192

193

Culture Context 193

KNOWLEDGE ON THE CUTTING EDGE:

Technology Update: Conversing with Computers 194

KNOWLEDGE ON THE CUTTING EDGE:

Code Switching 195

Relationship Context 196

Gender Context 197

KNOWLEDGE ON THE CUTTING EDGE:

Putting It in Context: Communication, Sex,

and Conversation 198

Individual Context 199

Overcoming Communication

Challenges: Conversationa l

Dilemma s 199

• Knowledge: "I Can't Win!"

A CASE STUDY IN ETHICS: Cell Phone

Subterfuge

CHAPTER REVIEW

STUDY QUESTIONS

NAMES TO KNOW

KEY TERMS

201

201

202

203

203

203

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XVI Contents

(

Chapte r 8

Listenin g an d Confir m

Introductio n t o Listening an d

Confirmin g Responses 2 0 6

W h y It's Importan t t o Stud y

Listening an d Confirmin g Responses 207

KNOWLEDGE ON THE CUTTING EDGE:

Listening, Confirming Responses, and Civility:

Are You a Civil Communicator?

Stages i n th e Listening Process

208

208

Stage One: Receiving Verbal and/or

Nonverbal Messages 208

KNOWLEDGE ON THE CUTTING EDGE:

Do Deaf People Listen? 209

• Knowledge: "Where's That Noise Coming

From?" 210

Improving Our Ability to Receive Verbal

and/or Nonverbal Messages 210

Stage Two: Interpreting Verbal and/or

Nonverbal Messages 211

Improving Our Ability to Interpret Verbal

and/or Nonverbal Messages 211

Stage Three: Responding to Verbal and/or

Nonverbal Messages 212

• Motivation: "I'm Sorry; What Was Your Name

Again?" 212

• Knowledge: Your Daily Listening Habits 213

Improving Our Ability to Respond to

Verbal and/or Nonverbal Messages

with Active Listening 213

Types of Confirming Responses 213

Prompting and Questioning 214

KNOWLEDGE ON THE CUTTING EDGE:

Technology Update: The Internet and Supportive

Communication 215

i n g Response s 20 4

Reassuring and Expressing Concern 215

Analyzing and Advising 216

Judging (Criticizing Constructively) 217

Paraphrasing Thoughts and Feelings 218

• Skill: Communicating Constructive Criticism 218

• Skill: ParaphrasingThoughts and Feelings 220

Contexts, Listening, and Confirming

Responses 220

Competence & Critical Thinking:

JUGGLING ACT (UNABRIDGED) AND LISTENING AND

CONFIRMING RESPONSES

Culture Context

Relationship Context

Gender Context

KNOWLEDGE ON THE CUTTING EDGE:

Putting It in Context: Communication, Sex,

and Listening and Confirming Responses

• Knowledge: "DoThis"or"The Same Thing

Happened to Me"?

Individual Context

Overcoming Communication

Challenges: Face-Threatening Acts

CHAPTER REVIEW

STUDY QUESTIONS

NAMES TO KNOW

KEY TERMS

221

222

222

223

223

224

224

226

A Case Study i n Ethics: Cochlear

Implants 227

228

228

229

229

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Contents xvn

PAK T Communicatio n Competenc y i n Relationship s

Chapte r 9

Disconfirmin g Communicatio n an d

Settin g Boundarie s 2 3 0

Introductio n t o Disconfirmin g

Communicatio n an d Settin g

Boundarie s 232

Disconfirming Communication

Boundaries

W h y It's Importan t t o Stud y

Disconfirmin g Communicatio n

a n d Settin g Boundarie s

232

232

233

KNOWLEDGE ON THE CUTTING EDGE:

Are You a Civil Communicator? Why Manners

Matter

Assertive , Aggressive , an d

Submissive Communicatio n

234

234

Aggression 235

KNOWLEDGE ON THE CUTTING EDGE:

Technology Update: Disconfirming Communication

and Flaming 236

Submission 237

Assertion 237

• Knowledge: How Assertive Are You? 238

Settin g Boundarie s wit h Assertive

Communicatio n 239

Displacement Messages and Empathic

Assertion 239

Many Request Messages and the "Broken

Record" 240

Hate Speech and Boundary-Setting Responses

to the Communication of Prejudice 241

• Skill: The Broken Record 241

• Knowledge: Can You "Speak Up"? 243

• Knowledge: "I Wish I Would Have Said . . ." 244

Competence & Critical Thinking:

THE NAME CAME AND DISCONFIRMING MESSAGES

AND SETTING BOUNDARIES 245

Contexts an d Their Influenc e o n

Disconfirmin g Communicatio n an d

Settin g Boundarie s 246

Culture Context 246

Relationship Context 247

• Knowledge: "Don't Take It So Hard!" 249

Gender Context 250

KNOWLEDGE ON THE CUTTING EDGE:

Putting It in Context: Communication, Sex, and

Aggressive Behavior 250

Individual Context 251

Overcomin g Communicatio n

Challenges: Covert Verba l Abus e 251

Covert Verbal Abuse 252

Contending with Covert Verbal Abuse 252

A CASE STUDY IN ETHICS: Jap Road 253

CHAPTER REVIEW 254

STUDY QUESTIONS 254

NAMES TO KNOW 25s

KEY TERMS 255

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